Excavate

September 23rd, 2006

“I mean no disrespect,” she says as she turns to walk away, ” I just can’t do it anymore. I no longer have the energy to explain myself to you.”

She trembles a bit as she begins to take those first steps, recognizing that metaphorically speaking, she has just taken the most difficult step of all. It was a step that no one else will appreciate, for the significance of it is beyond their reach. They will continue to see her through their own eyes, clouded by the shades of their own experiences. She is aware of this, she just no longer cares. Well, she no longer cares as much.

She has reached that desperate point that is so often necessary in certain kinds of relationships. You can not continue to weigh your decisions based on what they will think, what they will say, or what their reaction will be. You can not keep your dreams and plans a secret simply because their reaction will be negative. They will always be negative until you just prove them wrong. But how do you prove them wrong? Just as she did. Take the brave first step.

But what is the first step? What is it really about? Is it about confronting them, screaming that you don’t need their approval? Is it about hurting them in order to break away? I suppose those things could be a part of it, but in reality taking the first step has nothing to do with them at all. It’s a matter of discovering who you are beneath the layers of negativity that have been cloaked upon you. Excavate. See yourself as a separate and complete being. Take responsibility. Live.

She continues down the steps amid hushed whispers of awe. Well aware that there will be talk and gossip about her, she continues on her path. It’s a bit unclear where she’s going, but she goes with confidence.

This post features Mariamne Leaving the Judgement Seat of Herod, painted by John William Waterhouse